Recent Events

I am riding on distractions of work and things to make me feel better. Survival mode when I need to be relaxed to heal. I finally found the strength to leave my ex of almost three years. It took me about a year and a half to get out of denial after knowing he wasn’t treating me right.

I made excuses for him and protected his image from everyone. He leaned on his past and I let him use his excuse of being abused to mistreat me. To call me names and put me down. To get angry at me making me feel like I was doing something wrong so I would do everything to please you. He took advantage of my kindness and love. He took my people pleasing nature and used it until I was drained. He had hit me and left more bruises than I ever want to remember. We would argue. Things would escalate. He would throw things or slam doors and blame everything he did on me. Then later apologizing saying he is trying to work on himself. I was in disbelief the first time he hit me wondering how someone that loves me could hurt me. I stayed quiet in shock not knowing what to do. The last year I would fight back to defend myself and it never made things better so I tried to stay calm which still let me to being walked over. He would act like it didn’t happen so it’s crazy how much I got sucked into a reality that was so toxic and I put up with it for so long in the name of love and not wanting to give up on the relationship. I held on to hope to improvement because he would act good long enough for me to forget how bad it was. Then he would tell me what he did to me wasn’t bad.. gaslighting me making me feel like what I went through was okay.

I went through all the pain he inflicted alone and now I can finally share my story. I have a lot of reflecting and feeling to do before I can be fully myself.

When I first broke up with him and he went to leave I was happy he was gone but I kept having flashbacks and negative or unrealistic thoughts. I don’t have to fight the fights with him but I have a fight within myself when I feel a way I think I shouldn’t feel. I know that’s the problem.. thinking I “should” feel better or not miss him. I avoid what I feel until I can’t identify it anymore.

I just started therapy again and instead of phone calls it will be texting and video chat. I’m looking forward to making progress and sharing my experiences and breakthroughs so anyone interested can see my point of view💚

Here Are 5 Of The Most Powerful Ways To Stop Holding On To The Pain Of The Past | by Tony Fahkry | Mission.org | Medium

Imagine life without the disorganised thoughts playing out inside your head. Imagine a state of peaceful thoughts which come and go like the ocean tides — without struggle, pain or resistance. Are…
— Read on medium.com/the-mission/here-are-5-of-the-most-powerful-ways-to-stop-holding-on-to-the-pain-of-the-past-1367be249ae

Create your website with WordPress.com
Get started