I thought it was so silly how people could be so mean but what I found out is many of the people that were mean really did have their own problems.
Yeah people always told me that kids were just mean because they were going through something. I never did get that because I didn’t respond in anger or lashing out when I got hurt. I self isolated or I tried harder to please people when nothing I did would have been enough for them to accept me. I had one family member that I was actually physically around but I didn’t consider them someone I could talk to about my problems.
I felt completely outcasted from peers and everyone else just didn’t seem to understand me. All the “normal” things kids had I did not and I was picked on for not wearing the right cloths and liking things without consideration on if people would judge me for it. I couldn’t understand what was wrong with me and when they started criticizing my face and physical features ALONG with teasing me and pitting others against me so they could gain power or have the illusion they did. People started coming after my personality calling me weird or hyper or too much or my least favorite… annoying.
I told myself not to believe them. I told myself that my freckles didn’t make me look ugly and that I couldn’t fix my teeth or how big my chin or ankles were so I shouldn’t take it to heart. But somewhere between being hurt and trying to cope, I started lying to myself. Saying I was fine every time I was hurt because what was I supposed to do if I wasn’t? Nothing. You just keep going right? That’s what I thought. Just keep going and the struggle will be worth it.
What I didn’t know is the constant pounding of bullies would TREMENDOUSLY impact how I behaved as an adult.
Here I am finally 18. Getting everything I finally want. Then I feel dissatisfaction. Why? Why am I needing to feel such a strong sense of acceptance when I thought I had already thought I accepted myself and started loving myself for who I was.
Because the whole time it was a lie. A lie to myself to keep my heart strong through the struggles. I told myself to love myself but to be honest I took every single word to heart and believed what they said about me as fact.
I get how sensitive that looks but when you don’t have a strong support system, loosing social acceptance can make you feel like it’s not worth living because I felt like I was living for other peoples expectations.
I didn’t know that as a kid you build the habits of what you define as love and if you identify love with being treated poorly then it’s hard to know what’s even real anymore. It’s hard to know how to love yourself when you grow up with everyone telling me reasons why I should hate myself.
So to try and retrain my brain on how to love myself I’m going to try and write consistently on what I should love about myself and things I should be proud of and the people I care about because often I’m too quick to accept the negative with no proof while refusing the positive even with proof. I want to work on changing that.
So I will create lists of affirmations to bring to consciousness the good instead of the bad.
Here goes hope….
I CAN learn to love myself.
I CAN grow and learn from my mistakes and forgive myself how I forgive others.
I will start taking humble credit for my accomplishments.
I won’t let myself be drawn to toxic people because (I know they’ll hurt me so I go after them subconsciously as a way to self sabotage) I will start respecting my worth.
I will start enforcing boundaries on how I need to be treated and stick to them confidently.
I will not let my anxiety overcome conversations.
I will not let my fears of others disliking me stop me from opening up to others and being myself.
I will get over the fear of being unloved. Love YOURSELF.
I will learn how to love myself how I love others.
I will practice assertive communication to lessen confusion and misunderstandings.
I will identify my hurt before I let it hurt others subconsciously. It’s my responsibility to cope through my own emotions without displaying toxic behaviors.
I will break habits by changing how I react.
I will put more effort into stopping self sabotage from feeling insecure.
I will not get overwhelmed when I fall back into a pattern. It’s going to take time. Don’t be disappointed in yourself.
I will stop being so hard on myself. (This is a hard one)
I will focus on what is important instead of letting my emotions effect my effort!!
All these things above are not things I have successfully accomplished but I hope by writing down my goals it will remind me of my worth and how to love myself.